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Jokes
The club president, coach, a prop and a wing are taking a charter flight to the National Finals when the engines cut out.
The pilot enters the passenger compartment and says, "We're going down. There's only four parachutes! Since I'm the pilot I'm taking one," and then jumps from the plane.
The coach says, "Without me the team won't have a chance, so I'm taking one," and he jumps out.
The winger says, "I'm the fastest and smartest man on the pitch and without me the team can't win a game, so I'm taking one," and he jumps out of the plane.
The club president looks at the prop and says, "You take the last parachute. The team needs you more than it needs me". The prop responds, "We both can take a parachute. The smartest man on the pitch just jumped out of the plane with my kit bag on his back."
Traveling in a train were a Wallaby, an All Black, a spectacular looking blonde and an older lady. After several minutes of the trip, the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Wallaby had a big red slap mark on his cheek.
(1) The blonde thought - "That horrible Wallaby wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the lady, who in turn must have slapped his face."
(2) The older lady thought - "This dirty Wallaby laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him."
(3) The Wallaby thought - "That bloody All Black put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me."
(4) The All Black thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that stupid Wallaby again."
Rugby player: "Doctor, doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror - I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" Doctor: "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."
The All Blacks were playing England, and after the half-time whistle blew they found themselves ahead 50-0, Jonah Lomu getting eight tries. The rest of the team decided to head for the pub instead of playing the second half, leaving Jonah to go out on his own.
"No worries," Jonah told them, "I'll join you later and tell you what happened." After the game Jonah headed for the pub where he told his teammates the final score: 95-3.
"What!!!!" said a furious Josh Kronfeld, "How did you let them get three points??!" Jonah replied apologetically, "I was sent off with 20 minutes to go."
Clive Woodward (coach of the English rugby team) and John Mitchell (coach of the New Zealand rugby team) both die and enter the Pearly Gates. God takes Clive on a tour of heaven and ends up at a little two-bedroom bungalow with a faded English rugby banner hanging from the front porch. "This is your house, Clive," says God, "You're very lucky. Most people don't get their own houses up here, you know." Clive looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the huge mansion on top of the hill. A massive, multi-storey affair with white marble columns, balconies and attractive gardens, All Black banners line both sides of the footpath and a huge New Zealand flag hangs between the marble columns. "Thanks for the house, God," says Clive, "But let me ask you a question. How come I get this little two-bedroom bungalow and John Mitchell gets a huge mansion with all those marble columns and things." God looks at him seriously for a moment. "That's not Mitchell's house," God says. "That's my house."
Why don't rugby players have mid-life crisises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.
Rugby player in Chinese restaurant:
"Waiter, these noodles are a bit crunchy."
Waiter: "That's because they're the chopsticks, sir."
A man went to the doctor one day and said: "I've just been playing Rugby and when I got back I found that when I touched my legs, my arms, my head, my tummy and everywhere else, it really hurt." So the doctor said: "You've broken your finger."
There's a man sitting in the front row at the Rugby World Cup Finals, but amazingly, there's an empty seat beside him. Another man spots it, goes up to him and says: "Do you mind if I sit here?"
"No, not at all," replies the first man. "It's my wife's seat, but she died recently.."
"So why didn't you get one of your family to come," asks the second man out of curiosity.
"They're all at the funeral."
Eddie Jones takes the Wallabies out for a training run and first up he tells everyone to assume their normal position. So they all go and stand behind they goalposts and wait for the conversion.
An Australian schoolteacher explains to her class that she is a Wallabies fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Wallabies fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand expect one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Wallabies fan," she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Wallabies fan, then who are you a fan of?" "I am an All Blacks fan, and proud of it," Janie replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Janie, why are you an All Blacks fan?" "Because my mum is an All Blacks fan, and my dad is an All Blacks fan, so I'm an All Blacks fan too!" "Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "That is no reason for you to be an All Blacks fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum were a moron and your dad were a moron, what would you be then?" "Then," Janie smiled, "I'd be a Wallabies fan."
The Wallabies rugby practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.
Head coach Eddie Jones immediately suspended practice while police and federal investigators were called to investigate. After a complete analysis, investigating forensic experts determined that the white substance unknown to players was the try line. Practice was resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.
A rugby referee died and went to heaven. Stopped by St Peter at the gates he was told that only brave people who had performed heroic deeds and had the courage of their convictions could enter. If the ref could describe a situation in his life where he had shown these characteristics, he would be allowed in.
"Well," said the ref, "I was reffing a game between Northern Transvaal and Natal at Loftus Versveld. Northerns were 2 points ahead, 1 minute to go. The Natal wing made a break, passed inside to his lock. The lock was driven on by his forwards, passed out to the flanker who ducked blind and went over in the corner. However, the flanker dropped the ball before he could ground it, and as Natal were clearly the better side all game, I ruled that he had dropped the ball down, not forward, and awarded the try."
"OK, that was fairly brave of you, but I will have to check it in the book." says Peter, and disappears to look it up. When he comes back he says "Sorry, there is no record of this. Can you help me to trace it? When did all this happen?"
The ref looked at his watch and replied "45 seconds ago."
Two guys from Invercargill die and wake up in hell.
The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in swannies, mittens and balaclavas warming themselves around the fire.
The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"
The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Invercargill, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just Happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."
The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in swannies, mittens and balaclavas
The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel it?"
Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told ya yesterday, we're from Invercargill, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."
This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Invercargill and finds them in "T" shirts, footie shorts and jandals drinking a speights and cooking a "barbie"
The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves."
The two Southlanders reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather down there in Invercargill so we've just got to have a cook-up when the weather's THIS nice."
The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell.
The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth.
The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Southlanders. He gets there and finds them back in their swannies, mittens and balaclavas. NOW they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men!!!
The devil is dumbfounded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two???"
The Southlanders look at the devil in surprise,
"Well, don't you know? If hell freezes over, it must mean that USA just beat the All-Blacks.
Q. What do you call 15 guys sitting around the T.V watching the Rugby World Cup final?
A. The Ireland Rugby Team
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